LG CES 2016
The LG Signature range at the company's CES 2016 press conference.The Verge

LG held one of the first press conferences of CES 2016 in Las Vegas on Tuesday (5 January), revealing a new line-up of products including numerous smart home appliances, a new range of 4K televisions, an 8K television set and.... eugh.... I'm not sure I can do this.

See, I'm the video games guy at IBTimes UK. I'm only covering this because a colleague is ill. I've never watched a tech conference that wasn't about video games in some way, so it's safe to say this was a very interesting experience. All the same flowery language, but about an air purifier, not a piece of entertainment.

My editor has asked me to round up what happened during the press conference, and I'm going to do that because I'm a professional. I just wanted to warn you ahead of time that this press conference was a baffling experience for me and that will probably be reflected in my writing.

Anyway...

The show started with cars, the everyday object most people actually do want pumped full of gadget and gizmos. "Why is LG suddenly interested in cars? Because the amount of time we spend in cars continues to increase," said LG Electronics CTO Dr Skott Ahn. LG wants to improve cameras, communications technology and in-car displays, citing a 43-inch information display that can be integrated into car windscreens.

Ahn also mentioned a few partnerships, including one with Google. This brought out Gayathri Rajan, VP of Product Management at Google, who is here to talk about IOT - which means Internet of Things (which for the uninitiated out there means technology being crammed into everyday objects you didn't think needed a Wi-Fi connection).

"This focus on users and building products that users love is at the heart of IoT and our partnership with LG," said Rajan. Their mission statement for IoT was as follows...

LG CES 2016

That second point makes me feel ill.

LG Signature was up next, the brand under which all of LG's new smart products fall. A slick video saying "seeing is believing", "tasting is believing" and asking questions like "what is greatness?" then aired. After the products were wheeled out we got some talk about the "essence of these products", which are targeting clean and crisp design removing anything that "detracts from the product's purpose".

"There's no limitation on what this washing machine can do," was then said by an actual, real human being. This washing machine must be incredible.

The big focus was on the new OLED television sets, of which there are three 4K models and a 98 inch 8K set, which only Bill Gates, God and the ghost of Steve Jobs will be able to afford. The LG Signature OLED 4K TV projects its picture onto glass and is just 2.57mm thick (thin?). Its speaker system is its stand and it can display artwork on its front and back when not in use.

Naturally it also boasts incredible picture quality, offering the deepest blacks ("Infinite shades of black" in fact) thanks to light control on a pixel level, HDR (High Dynamic Range) support and the help of film director Ridley Scott, who was paid a lot of money to sit alongside his son Jake, who is directing a TV ad for LG and was wearing a dumb hat.

Next up was that GOD DAMN WASHING MACHINE, which "takes laundry to a whole new level" apparently. It has touch controls on the front door and two compartments which will allow for the simultaneous washing of "lights and darks, delicates and regulars". It will also "auto-dose" out detergent from a reserve.

Naturally it's a dryer as well, and comes with all the usual smart features, allowing you to monitor water and electricity usage and save settings for regular washes. All things normal sane people will definitely want to be able to do.

The air-purifier is up next, about which the suited man says: "Visually experience the air being cleaned through this transparent cover." That's really all that needs to be said.

Finally there's the fridge. Users can knock on the door within its door to open a fridge within a fridge and open the actual fridge part hands-free by moving your foot under a censor at the bottom. Apparently pets won't be able to accidentally trigger it.

We end the show with the exciting promise that 2016 will see the release of a LG Signature dishwasher and a "feature-rich oven".

A FEATURE RICH OVEN.

Read all the CES 2016 news on the IBTimes UK hub