The Sims is a video game series that almost exists on a separate plain to other major releases hitting the shelves soon. There isn't a great overlap between its fan base and that of Call of Duty and Assassin's Creed, and yet it remains one of the biggest game series out there.
Everyone has at one time or another played Maxis's world builder, either in its first, most basic iteration or one of its ever-expanding follow-ups released over the 14 years since.
Maybe you're the kind of player who recreates their own lives in the game, or builds toward wealth and success, maybe you're a player more interested in designing the perfect house. Whatever your end goal is however, the chances you've also indulged your sociopathic side.
It is a God sim after all, and who could resist the urge to be the vengeful, angry kind? It's fun too, and let's be honest pushing Sims to the edge of sanity by messing with every facet of their lives is absolutely part of the game's appeal.
Here are five things every Sims player does...
Make Sims pee themselves
Video games are serious big business capable of telling wonderful, engaging stories and showcasing beautiful, artful experiences... but let's be honest, we've all made our Sims piss themselves at least once haven't we?
Immaturity, from time to time and in the right place, is excellent, and a Sim wetting themselves is still funny even today. How to do it though? Do you simply deny them going to the lav, or do you delete the toilet altogether? Maybe if you're feeling particularly evil you could delete it just as they're about to sit down – all in a day's work for a benevolent Sim God.
Make Sims WooHoo
SEX. We all want it, and so do our Sims. It may all be pixelated and under the covers as to avoid an adult rating, but WooHoo (as it's known in Sim language Simlish) is still at the forefront of every Sim's mind.
The Sims isn't the most realistic video game but wooing a Sim – surprisingly – isn't far removed from real life. Simply chat to whoever you've taken a fancy to, buy them things, try not to piss yourself and your quids in.
That's realistic right?
Invite all the locals round for a pizza party!
Throwing the party is the best and most immediate way to make your Sims some friends and is usually the first port of call once the house is in order and you've started granting your Sim toilet privileges again.
Invite the neighbours round, order 20-odd pizzas then hang tight and wait for them to not show up, leaving you with more pizza than is required and the one Sim you didn't want to actually show up. Eugh, just go home Max!
Remove all the doors and windows
Now we move into darker territory and the number one classic move in the Sims sociopath guide book: removing all the doors and windows from a Sim's home and watching them all go insane.
See also: removing the ladder from a swimming pool and leaving your Sim to swim in circles forever.
Set fire to the place
You've set your Sims up in a nice little home, they get along nicely and have a good group of friends. Billy is an accountant in the city, Kelly and Suzie threw a successful pizza party and Archie hasn't pissed himself for a couple of weeks. All is going swimmingly.
This is usually the point in every Sims game when the player has achieved the basic task of creating good virtual lives, which immediately begs a question... How quickly will it all burn?
Place a few fireplaces around the house, start them all up and dot a few rugs and lamps around to help spread the flames. Watch the madness unfold, and of course, make sure the firefighters can't get into the house.
It's suddenly occurred to me how insane this must all look to someone who doesn't know The Sims....
The Sims 4 is out now.