Today (22 July) marks the first birthday of Royal cherub Prince George, who one year ago was squeezed out into this world to a mob of baying cameras and increasingly-sweaty and impatient newsreaders.
Twelve months on and George has only made a handful of Royal appearances, most notably in Australia. Why does Australia get to meet George and not us? He never goes to the zoo here, he's just locked up in Kensington Palace behind all the those dastardly anti-media defences.
Clearly he's a secretive little oik, which just won't do in this media-saturated age. We demand pictures, we demand to know everything about him whether he likes it or not, we demand only the truest facts! Like these...
He is a baby.
He already has more money than you ever will.
His full title is Prince George Alexander Tarquin Mohammad Louis of Cambridge.
He will spend his entire life in the public eye training for a job he won't necessarily want.
Like all members of the Royal family, Prince George defecates where he wants and someone else cleans it up.
He will be the first British monarch to visit our future moon colonies.
He drinks only swan milk, as is customary for babies in line to the throne.
His grandmother's name was Diana.
His first act as King will be to repaint all post boxes a slightly darker shade of red. Nobody knows why.
He owns an 8GB silver iPod Nano which contains only Chumbawamba songs.