What's a 'Submariner'—And Why It's Worse Than 'Ghosting'?

In today's dating scene, disappearing acts aren't just about hiding behind a door — they've taken on a new, more insidious form.

The term submarining has entered the lexicon, describing a behaviour that's arguably worse than ghosting. It involves someone cutting off all contact, only to resurface weeks or even months later as if nothing happened.

What Does Submarining Mean in Dating Terms?

According to the online slang dictionary Urbandictionary, submarining describes a situation where someone stops seeing or communicating with you, then reappears later as if nothing has changed.

It's a form of emotional limbo, leaving the other person confused and often hurt. Unlike ghosting, which is a clean break, submarining involves a mysterious return, making it harder to interpret intentions.

Why Do People Submarine?

Experts suggest that submarining often stems from insecurity or boredom. Gigi Engle, a well-known sex coach and author, explains to Men's Health that those who submarine usually aren't doing it out of genuine care. More often, they are seeking reassurance or a temporary boost to their self-esteem without the commitment of honest communication.

Psychologist Wendy Walsh adds that submariners tend to crave intimacy but fear vulnerability. They might reach out again when loneliness strikes, wanting the comfort of connection without the effort of honest engagement. The behaviour becomes a way to keep options open while avoiding real emotional risk.

The Red Flags and Realisations

This pattern can be deeply frustrating, especially when expectations are raised only to be dashed again. The real danger lies in the realisation that they might not genuinely care — they are simply looking for someone to fill a void temporarily. It's a tactic that often leaves the other person feeling dismissed and used.

Engle warns that such behaviour signals a lack of respect and honesty. If someone truly cared, they wouldn't disappear without explanation. The resurfacing, she says, is often motivated by boredom or insecurity rather than genuine interest, making submarining a red flag rather than a sign of true affection.

How to Handle Submariners

The best course of action, according to experts, is to recognise the behaviour early. If someone vanishes without explanation and then reappears, it's wise to treat it as a warning sign. Engle suggests that ghosting such individuals is often the healthiest response.

There's little point in engaging with someone who treats communication as a game. The real issue is trust — or lack of it. If your experience is marred by constant disappearances and reappearances, it's a good idea to focus on people who show consistent, honest behaviour.

In the end, submarining reveals more about the person doing it than the one on the receiving end. It's a tactical move rooted in insecurity and fear, not genuine affection. Recognising it early can save a lot of emotional turmoil.

In the world of modern dating, a submariner is someone who goes under, then comes back up, often leaving others to wonder what just happened. It's a behaviour best left unacknowledged. When in doubt, the simplest answer remains: better to ghost the submariner than get caught in a cycle of silence and resurfacing.

Because if someone truly cares, they'll stay afloat.