If you have reason to believe your name is on the Ashley Madison data dump, here are 10 excuses to use to bluff your way out of trouble:

1. I left my email open at work and someone played a joke on me.

2. I'm a high-profile individual and everyone has my email address. This was done by someone trying to discredit me.

3. I have no f***ing clue. All I know is that I love you and would never cheat on you.

4. F***ing hackers!!!!

5. It was my ex-wife doing what she always does.

6. (If you are in the computer security field) – It was part of an ongoing investigation into how Ashley Madison has been defrauding governments out of tax income. I wish I could tell you more.

7. I thought I was logging on to the Ashley Furniture Store to buy us that new love seat.

8. I thought I was logging on to the Madison Designer clothes store in Los Angeles. That's where those new shoes I bought you came from.

9. Just hang in with me for a while. It will all become clear.

10. Why were YOU on Ashley Madison?

Free advice

I'm afraid it's time to face the facts: Whoever was on Ashley Madison, your name is close to being revealed. How you respond to the accusations may determine the future course of your life and your career. We, at McAfee Central, want the most beneficent outcomes from the revelations. It is in our interests, and in the interests of society -- and in your interests. The above canned answers may work for some of you. For others, it may be slightly more complex, or more subtle. We are offering, for the next two days, free advice to upcoming revelationers, on how to handle your Ashley Madison Account once it has been revealed. There is no charge for this advice. We consider it our community duty. It comes from nearly 70 years of experience in dealing with affairs of the heart and we promise you will not be disappointed.

Who is John McAfee?

John McAfee is one of the most influential commentators on cybersecurity anywhere in the world. His new venture – Future Tense Central – focuses on security and personal privacy-related products.

McAfee provides regular insight on global hacking scandals and internet surveillance, and has become a hugely controversial figure following his time in Belize, where he claims to have exposed corruption at the highest level before fleeing the country amid accusations of murder (the Belize government is currently not pursuing any accusations against him).

Prior to contacting us, however, we feel that, in your interests, you should ask yourself whether:

  1. You feel certain that you want to continue in the relationship that you are trying to save.
  2. That you understand your own needs, wants and desires well enough to answer question One correctly.
  3. That you understand the nature of human kind well enough to not expect your significant other to not display the same traits you have just displayed in your own behaviour.

ASHLEY MADISON HACKED: Full coverage of the cheating website's fall from grace, including guides on how to check if someone's email address was on its database