Oscar Pistorius is "a broken man" who still "loves dearly" his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, as he prepares for the verdicts in the world's biggest trial.
The South African has reportedly said that even being jailed for murder would not be worse than what he has done to himself, claimed a journalist who secured rare private time with the fallen star.
Mark Williams Thomas revealed the turmoil that continues to engulf Pistorius, following reports he launched a verbal tirade at reporters last weekend.
Speaking ahead of the verdict, which is revealed on Thursday 11 September, more than six months since proceedings began at a Pretoria court, Thomas described Pistorius' fragile mental condition.
I"'ve seen him in a very different environment. And he is a broken man," he said.
"He still loves her dearly... and he wishes obviously that circumstances were different."
"He said that no punishment will be anywhere near the punishment that he has for himself because he's lost someone he was in love with," he told ITV.
Pistorius claimed shooting and killing girlfriend Steenkamp on Valentine's Day last year in his luxury home was a tragic mistake.
That has been heavily disputed by the prosecution during tough cross-examination by Gerrie Nel, who claimed the track star blasted Steenkamp to death in a fit of rage following a row.
As one of the very few reporters to have had access to Pistorius during the trial, Thomas said he believed the fallen star's version of events.
Claiming he had "unique access" Thomas said: "[Pistorius] is obviously devastated, I think it's very important to set out that Oscar admits to having shot - and obviously as a result of that - Reeva died, but he's also very clear in that it was a very tragic accident, that he didn't intend to, and he believed someone was in the house.
"And having spent time with him and spoken to him in real detail, and not just him but his family, and the evidence and the more I talk to him, I do believe that also it is a tragic accident."
A team of mental health experts found Pistorius was not mentally ill during a month of tests ordered by judge Masipa, which caused a month-long delay in the trial.