Football mascots are weird, fraudulent creatures. Ostensibly, they've been put on Earth to spearhead the support and passion of fans gathered inside football stadiums. But it doesn't work because football crowds are fierce, foul-mouthed mobs – and football mascots look like they've been dragged off the reject pile outside Cartoon Network.
Even in the relatively sanitised conditions of European football circa 2017, police still line the streets outside grounds as 3pm approaches on a Saturday.
And, occasionally, it still spills over: violence breaks out and fans get hospitalised.
There are no plans to start letting groups of opposing supporters sit next to each another.
So, I ask you: Why bring a cuddly, anthropomorphised shrimp into it?
Or an eel? Or a bunny rabbit? The list goes on...
It's not right. Imagine the Spartans marching into battle, led by a top hat-wearing squirrel... They would be crushed remorselessly and remembered as comic losers portrayed by Pegg and Frost rather than epic bloodthirsty heroes.
At best, football mascots are embarrassing. At worst, they are a threat to civilisation.
So, with that in mind, fair play to Valentino the stork – who wears flying goggles (obviously) – for actually doing something other than prancing about and attracting the attention of the Child Protection Agency.
On Saturday Valentino, who represents Spain's Extremadura, broke up a fight between his local team and visitors Recreativo de Huelva.
Well done Valentino. But don't think that means we're going to let you have the vote.