Nintendo is considered a wholesome, family-friendly company, so imagine our horror when – at the first hands-on event for its new console, Nintendo Switch – we played a game that can only accurately be described as absolute filth.
1-2 Switch will launch alongside the home and handheld hybrid console on 3 March. It is a mini-game collection making use of the Switch's 'Joy-Con' controllers - the two controllers that slot onto either side of the Switch's portable screen to create a handheld device, but which also serve as controllers on their own.
Joy-Cons are motion-enabled and house 'HD Rumble' - which provides detailed, rumble-based feedback while playing games. Six 1-2 Switch mini-games were available to play at the bustling event, but only one was forever seared into our memories.
In it, two players compete to milk as much milk from a virtual cow as they can in the short time limit. This is accomplished by using one Joy-Con controller each and mimicking the motion of milking an udder.
"Press the top button at the top of the udder, move your hand down smoothly and press the bottom button as do to eek the milk out," said the Nintendo rep as IBTimes UK's two writers sat facing each other in straw farmer's hats.
"That sounds mildly suggesti-"
"You must look into each other's eyes throughout."
As the game started we tugged at our virtual udders with none of the required grace. Eventually we found the right motion, but what we didn't account for was the HD Rumble effect, which provided feedback to complete the illusion... perhaps a little too well.
I can't say I've ever milked a cow, but this felt fairly accurate.
As the pair of us continued to strain our virtual teats, I starred unblinkingly at my colleague to establish dominance and gain a competitive edge. It worked. Perhaps aided by my opponent spotting the words "squeeze thoroughly" on the TV and giggling like a schoolboy, victory by a lone cup of milk was achieved.
As we caught our breaths and mopped our brows. The rep spotted something: the Joy-Cons we played with came with wrist straps that slot onto the devices, and I hadn't attached mine. "Remember to strap on," she said.
Time for round two.
It wasn't even close. I was in the zone, milking with enough vigour and finesse to fill eight cups and storm to victory while continuing to maintain eye-contact as my colleague, consumed by thoughts nobody should be having as a seven foot tall Mario walks by, capitulated.
With the demo over, we gave back the controllers as the rep asked for our thoughts. "That was certainly something," I said, overwhelmed by the weight of innuendo involved in the whole experience. "I need a shower," said my colleague. Hot or cold, he didn't specify.
"It was fun though, more fun to play than expected," I added. "Well, I enjoyed watching," said the rep.
The undertones finally had overtones. Nintendo knows exactly what it's doing here. This isn't about milking cows at all! This seemingly innocent game is entirely about exploiting the grimiest corners of our brains to make us feel bad about the thoughts they've conjured up.
It was great.
1-2 Switch is a launch title for Nintendo Switch, which will be released on 3 March for £279.99.