Jimmy Kimmel Slams Trump as 'Most Miserable Son of a B—h' Over White House UFC Birthday Bash

The concept of a cage fight taking place on the South Lawn of the White House might sound like the premise of a dystopian satire, but it is rapidly becoming a reality for the 250th anniversary of the United States.

Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel wasted no time dissecting the absurdity of the plan during his Tuesday night monologue, specifically focusing on the newly revealed timing of the event. It appears the spectacle will not only celebrate the nation's semi-quincentennial but also serve as a personal birthday bash for President Donald Trump, a detail that provided ample ammunition for the comedian.

An Eightieth Birthday Bloodbath

Kimmel expressed disbelief at the chosen date for the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) exhibition. According to the President, the event is scheduled for June 14, 2026, which coincides directly with his 80th birthday. The host of Jimmy Kimmel Live! questioned the temperament of a man who would choose organised violence as his preferred method of celebration.

'The event will take place on June 14, which just happens to be his 80th birthday,' Kimmel explained to his audience. 'Whose 80th birthday theme is inviting men to beat the crap out of each other on his lawn? The most miserable son of a b—h in the world, that's who.'

The original proposal, which Trump floated earlier in the year as part of the "America 250" festivities, suggested a massive stadium seating up to 25,000 people. However, reality seems to have set in regarding the spatial constraints of the executive mansion's grounds. The plan has since been revised to a more modest 5,000-seat arena, though Kimmel predicted the President would likely inflate the attendance numbers regardless.

'They scaled it down from 20,000 to 5,000, which is fine because Trump will say it was 100,000 anyway,' Kimmel joked.

Logistics of a Lincoln Memorial Weigh-In

Beyond the fight itself, the logistical details of the event have drawn significant scrutiny and ridicule. The spectacle is set to include weigh-ins held at one of the nation's most hallowed monuments, a choice that Kimmel found particularly hypocritical given the administration's usual rhetoric regarding national symbols.

'The weigh-ins for this event will be held at the Lincoln Memorial. That is not a joke,' Kimmel said. 'The same people who are all, "Don't you dare desecrate the flag," [are] totally fine with guys in their underpants at the foot of Abraham Lincoln.'

The comedic rant touched upon the sheer cost of such an undertaking. While not mentioned in the monologue, UFC CEO Dana White has previously estimated that replacing the turf on the South Lawn alone would cost approximately £553,000 ($700,000) after the octagon is removed. Yet, for Kimmel, the extravagance is merely a symptom of the President's need for constant entertainment and validation, a sentiment echoed by The Wrap in their coverage of the clip.

'But it's his birthday. You know, we have to have a party for his birthday! What a child,' the host added.

Managing the Commander-in-Chief

Kimmel's critique extended beyond the event planning to the general way White House staff manage the President. He argued that the administration has essentially become a daycare centre designed to placate a volatile toddler. He cited the President's habits, such as his reported use of a button to summon Diet Coke and his need for immediate praise, as evidence of his infantile nature.

'Everyone around him treats him like he's three years old,' Kimmel noted. 'He is three years old. He needs a lot of attention, so they let him have a press conference every day. He needs immediate gratification, [so] they give him a Diet Coke button.'

The host continued listing the toddler-like traits, from napping during meetings to demanding specific songs on repeat. 'He gets constant praise for nothing. "Oh, you did so good. Look how big you are. Your MRI is perfect."'

Economic Delusions and Cocomelon Solutions

The monologue also addressed Trump's recent comments to Politico, where he graded the current US economy as an 'A+++++'. Kimmel contrasted this stellar self-assessment with the affordability crisis facing many Americans, suggesting that the President's economic confidence is as detached from reality as his birthday plans.

'If it wasn't five pluses, would he be planning a UFC fight on the White House lawn?' Kimmel asked.

Ultimately, Kimmel proposed a simpler solution to managing the President's behaviour than staging a national combat sports event. 'If we could just get him to start watching Cocomelon instead of Newsmax, problem solved.'