Leaving Is 'Often the Most Dangerous Time,' Refuge Warns as Domestic Abuse Charities Flag Risk to Victims

Domestic abuse charities have warned that the moment a woman decides to leave an abusive partner is often when she faces the greatest danger. Refuge, the UK's largest specialist domestic abuse organisation, says on its own advice page that 'leaving is often the most dangerous time for a woman.'

The warning has drawn fresh attention this month after a personal newsletter post by US writer Zawn Villines, titled 'What Men Do to the Women They Claim to Love', prompted hundreds of reader-submitted accounts of controlling and violent behaviour from partners. The piece has been widely shared online, though its individual anonymous accounts have not been independently verified.

What Refuge Says

Refuge's guidance explains why this period carries such risk. The charity states that 'the abuse may become more serious, as your partner tries to maintain his control over you' once someone tries to leave.

It advises against leaving without support already in place. Refuge points women towards a solicitor or its own National Domestic Abuse Helpline first, so a safety plan can be built around the specific risks involved.

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, advises building a plan around a safe time and route to leave, an emergency bag with cash, ID and important documents, and a trusted place to stay that the abuser does not know about.

Survivors' Account

UK survivor and campaigner Zoe Dronfield has described this same danger from her own experience. Writing for the government-appointed Domestic Abuse Commissioner's website, she said 'leaving is the most dangerous time, and you need a safety plan.'

Dronfield said her relationship followed a pattern where controlling behaviour worsened once she tried to end it. She has since written a book, 'Mind Over Manipulators', on her experience and now works to help others recognise early warning signs.

Fellow campaigner Claire Throssell, whose two sons were murdered by their father after she left him, has spoken about the same lasting danger. She told The Independent in November 2020 that 'the abuse doesn't stay with the perpetrator. It stays with the victim.'

Anonymous accounts collected by writer Zawn Villines in her viral essay 'What Men Do to the Women They Claim to Love' echo this same risk:

• "Broke up with a guy I'd been dating for a few months. He said he would drive us off a cliff if I left him... Thankfully he didn't do it, I talked him into going home 'to cuddle.' I got to my home safe. I blocked him everywhere."
• "The day I told my ex I wanted a divorce... he shoved a gun in my face and stood over me laughing when I melted down to the floor. I was able to sneak out of the house and get away after several hours."
• "I was 16... my boyfriend broke into my house while I was in the shower, screaming he would kill himself if I didn't stay with him, brandishing a knife. I truly thought I might be killed."
• "The one time I told my abusive ex-husband 'no,' he slammed me face down onto the kitchen table and raped me... The night I asked for a divorce, he tried to remove my left eye from my head. My old apartment became a crime scene."

These testimonies underline the same truth: separation often triggers the most extreme violence, and victims face lethal risks when attempting to leave without support.

What the Numbers Show

Office for National Statistics figures show an estimated 2.2 million women and 1.5 million men aged 16 and over experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2025, a combined prevalence rate of 7.8 per cent. Over their lifetimes since the age of 16, an estimated 29.6 per cent of women and 21.8 per cent of men have experienced domestic abuse.

Women made up 72.1 per cent of all victims of domestic abuse-related crimes recorded by police that year. The same ONS data on domestic homicides found that 69.6 per cent of those killed by a family member or partner were female, compared with 11.4 per cent of victims in non-domestic homicides.

Why Separation Is So Dangerous

Refuge says the danger increases because 'the abuse may become more serious, as your partner tries to maintain his control over you' once someone leaves. This escalation in the loss of control is the mechanism charities point to when explaining why separation is so high-risk.

The Substack essay by Villines argues that women face greater danger from partners than from strangers. This aligns with separate ONS data cited by Women's Aid showing most sexual assaults on women are carried out by someone known to them.

Women's Aid cites Femicide Census figures showing that of 888 women killed by a partner or ex-partner in England and Wales between 2009 and 2018, 43 per cent had separated or taken steps to separate.

Women's Aid says the belief that a victim could simply choose to leave remains one of the most widespread and damaging myths about domestic abuse. The charity argues this wrongly shifts blame onto victims rather than perpetrators.

Refuge's own figures show that, on average, one woman is killed by a current or former partner every five days in England and Wales. The charity states that around one in four women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime.

The period immediately after someone leaves an abuser is when specialist support matters most, according to both charities. Refuge and Women's Aid are consistent on this point: safety planning, not simply the decision to go, is what actually protects people.

Refuge also sets out support for non-EU migrant women on a family visa who need to flee abuse. They can apply for a Destitution Domestic Violence concession, which allows access to benefits for up to three months while their right to remain is considered.

Anyone in the UK affected by these issues can contact Refuge's National Domestic Abuse Helpline free and in confidence on 0808 2000 247.